All my thoughts, they spend me 'round

I forgot you were here.

Or something.

-----

I have so much to say; but no where (know where?) to start. I've avoided the keyboard for a long time- chugging along as if I were going somewhere, but the only place I've wanted to be is here, pouring out the distractions--- but they seem to have had me poured out.

Growth is slow and awkward, I've learned. Playing fair means you're likely to lose. And I don't like that. I'm trying-- I'm talking-- and maybe soon, I'll be writing.

I still feel everything. I understand a lot of it--

now I just wish I knew how to fix it.

Here's to another look at what the f*ck is going on.....

The First Letter

I got your message this morning. I have to admit, I was confused. I stared at my screen, blinking several times, convinced that I wasn't looking at my "inbox", but perhaps an old folder my misguided mouse may have opened.

No,
it was a note from you.

"Even in Poland you aren't easy to forget. I went to Auschwitz yesterday and among the many, many emotions/thoughts it brought up, one was of watching "Life is Beautiful" with you."

Stunned isn't the word. I am immobilized. I think I have read that message twelve times in the past six hours. I don't know what to say to you.

Some possibilities:
"Keep running, you'll get there."
"It's a good movie, but maybe you should try to remember 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.'"
"Who is this?"
"Well I'll look for its reference in the blog that I don't read. Which is good, btw."


I read your travel blog like you watched from a third story window-- curious, concerned, unable to resist the opening into your life that I would otherwise know little about these days. But, unlike you, I am resigned to stay on my side of the pane, understanding that watching and connecting are not interchangeable, and that neither is in anyone's best interest.

For years I've asked you,
leave me alone. I am mean and bitter and violent with my words,
but my heart is weak for you.

And they tell me I'm too young for a transplant.

People are complicated.

Have you ever felt so stagnant, that holding your breath til you're blue would actually make you feel better? At least there'd be the sweet relief of a fast gasp.

24 and lost like a sinner in rural China.... I am continually heart broken, mainly by my own actions, burdened with worries of the future, and aching for an "out."  My day dream is to run away to a place where I know no one, work a job I hate, come home to walk my dog, and write write write, with no distractions.  Life is such a distraction.  

Oh but I am so jealous of the lives I see on Facebook- in the photos and the quotes and the ringtones. I've never been to Europe-- will I ever?  And I am angry, for no reason sometimes. I have little patience for the people closest to me.

I want to be married.  I want to be 30 and single.  I want to do everything by myself.  It makes no sense. People never do.